Support

A huge reason I’ve managed to stay clean for this long is the support I have behind me. You know a lot of friends came and saw me in the hospital, even stayed the night, brought gifts and tons of visitors on Halloween because everyone knows what that holiday means to me. I have not been appreciating the people who took the time out of their day to come see me. Or for the ones who stayed the night when my nurse treated them like shit. Or the ones battling their own illnesses, and still made the drive to check on me. Most of us don’t speak anymore, and that’s okay. I have never really thought about what it was like on anyone else’s end other than my own. But I have had time to grow now and see things more clearly. I’m sorry that it has taken me so long. I can’t imagine getting a phone call that your loved one however, you thought about me has shot their selves. And you didn’t know how it was going to turn out. I said that I refused to apologize for what I did and I couldn’t understand why anyone was angry. I am truly sorry for feeling that way, you had every right to be angry with me. And for that I am saying sorry. I am blessed by God, not science to be able to write this today. I’m also beyond blessed that any of you even visited at all. I tried to kill myself, leave my friends and family members and very very best friends behind to hurt and not understand and have that ache. I’m sorry that I tried to leave all of you. And I am so damn sorry for the disgusting way I have acted. I understand fully why so many ties had to be cut. I can blame the injury but at the end of the day when I have had almost 3 years to reflect all of this is being said too late. I have god guiding me in such an amazing way. I strive to improve myself on a daily basis. I don’t want forgiveness. I want all of you to recognize that I appreciate all the gas and gifts that weren’t necessary and love and sleeping in shitty chairs and I want those of you who I said I would not apologize to and that you had no right to be mad. You did and you do. I just don’t think except for my parents I don’t think that you know how bad it was and I just wanted it all to stop and I was too ashamed to ask for help. And I didn’t think that I could go to anyone not even someone who was a sister, because I was out of your life and I didn’t realize and I know that I hurt you, and I wish that I knew that I could have come to you. I’m so sorry that I checked out and I’m so blessed to have people like all of you who came to see me. I would have never made it this far without a single one of you. ♡♡♡ Family without a doubt was there and still are. There are friends that stand out and by friend I mean the people who were there not only at rock bottom but when I got back up on my feet….but a lot of you if not most of you have and had every reason to quit and give up. I was not the easiest and I have not been so easy lately. Elis parents,  his sister and best friend Bridget brought me things of comfort and maddy continued to stop by a couple of times. Then even though my best friend since second grade knew I was alright she drove up all the way from Savannah where she lives because she wanted to see for herself. My friends Steven and Tyler always entertained me with their visits. My ex Joel and his wonderful momma came. And my good loyal friend Morgan asked every day even though I didn’t want her to come up there and we’ve discussed this since and all is well. I didnt want her to see me with no hair.Also I woke up to an old friend John g never in a million years did I expect that. Also just because they didn’t come they’ve been a huge part of life today is my very best friend Robyn and long time friend Rob. And of course my significant other cyle.

-loulou

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