Now that we’re expecting our first child in November of this year, I have been thinking a lot about the logistics of when it’s appropriate for me to tell our child my story. So far I honestly do not have the answer or any type of inkling on the subject.
I have also been thinking about how much I’ve changed my entire life and perspective, and how I’m no longer the person I was when I was an addict…let me rephrase that I’ll always be an addict but I’m now in recovery and have been for some time. I wrote a while back on learning how to relove yourself, but I’ve learned to love myself and have such a deeper understanding of myself now, then I thought originally. I have completely rerouted my thinking and I take the time to understand what is about to come out of my mouth. I am no longer the negative angry liar I was when I was using or even the angry psycho I was at the beginning of this journey of recovery. I am living proof that you can overcome a horrible addiction and that addicts can change. I no longer hesitate when doctors ask why I have a Tbi (traumatic brain injury) I’m not ashamed, I’m quite proud of who I’ve become. For example, I had my first visit with the perinatal ob yesterday (5/20/15) and she asked me why I have had seizures in the past. I told her that it’s because I have a tbi and she asked how it occurred. I told her that I had a gsw to the head. She then asked me how that happened, and I responded with “I was very bad on drugs and I tried to kill myself.” She told me that she was sorry and I quickly smiled and said, “don’t be, I have been clean for almost 4 years now, I have come a very long way in a positive way, and it’s made me who I am today. I am only stronger because of it.” I’m no longer ashamed of who I was in the past and if I am judged by it, I simply do not care. That’s not who I am TODAY, in this MOMENT. I worry how I will tell our child, but I’m sure that I’ll know the right time. I recently had an old friend of many years say…”Everything you have experienced to this day brings a smile to my face – knowing that you have done the best anyone could have for yourself! Keep loving being you!” I am never going to stop growing as a person. I am never going to stop being so ridiculously proud of myself. I am never going to stop telling my story. I know that I will make Grey proud in the end. I have such a full heart these days and every morning I wake up I make sure to thank God for giving me a second chance at life and for our little miracle. God bless you all.