Addicts in relationships together

For the first time in a long long time, I am in a serious relationship with someone who is not an addict, not even an alcoholic. For me this is huge.  I hate to be Debbie downer but from my experience, I have yet to see two addicts be in a healthy functioning relationship. It may be okay and work without relapse for a little while, but eventually, there is relapse. Every single couple I have been around that are addicts and most of the time that’s how they met…Never get clean. And then there are the relationships, I have witnessed that they didn’t start using together, but both were addicts and eventually at some point in the relationship they started to use together.  I personally think that two addicts in a relationship together is extremely toxic and if you want to get clean. Stay away from this type of thing.

-loulou

Learning to relove yourself

“Loving yourself is about building a relationship with yourself. A new, more supportive relationship. And like any relationship, forging that strong, deep bond takes time.
How you define, experience and express love for yourself is different to me, or any one else. It is an intimate relationship between you and you. It encompasses the self talk that you engage in, the words you use to describe yourself, the feelings you hold within you and what you believe to be true about you.

I feel the term self love carries a lot of weight these days. For many of us the pursuit of self love can place a tremendous pressure on us to always be whole-heartedly and unconditionally kind and loving to ourselves at all times. This means that the minute that old negative voice creeps in, your mind starts to race with crazy thoughts or you find yourself criticising rather than loving yourself, you feel like a failure.

Self love has become some destination we strive to arrive at and in the process we actually end up beating up on ourselves even more for failing to reach it.”
— Connie Chapman

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I have learned to love me and not regret my past and yes it took some time and it still takes time. And learning that most people and I mean practically everyone will not be giving you a second chance is something that you are going to have to get used to and let people talk. They chose not to be apart of your new life, you know the truth and the people who did take that leap of faith know the truth and that is all that matters, but most importantly you have to learn to forgive yourself and to love who you fought to be. Even if you only have one day clean, it’s still a day.  ♡♡♡

— loulou

opiate addicts secrets

Being that I was a junkie, an IV user J. I have learned many secrets that opiate addicts have figured out to pass as normal, when they are higher than a kite.

1. Opiate users whether it be pills or dope normally have pin point pupils.

2. IV users, if tattooed..more than likely will shoot up into the tattoo so you can’t see the track mark.

3. The addict will have more and more personal items disappear and you might notice things missing.

4. Sunglasses, even when you don’t need them. The person always seems to have an excuse to why. They want to hide their pinpoint pupils.

5. Never having money. Always asking to borrow oh I don’t have any gas…I need this. Oh I need that.

6. IV users or addicts who snort the drug, spend a lot of time in the bathroom. And always have an excuse for that as well.

7. Opiate addicts experiencing withdrawal will isolate themselves to their bedroom most of the time until they can figure out how to get money to get high. This could last for 1 to 2 days. It takes 72 hours to get through withdrawals, but most addicts never make it that far.i never did and don’t know anyone who has.

8. Super friendly. More than usual.

9. The classic dope voice.  When someone is high, there is a noticeable change in their voice.

10. Nodding out. Whether it be for a second or ten minutes, standing or sitting. When you ask the normal response is usually I’m just really tired.

11. Some opiate addicts experience hyperactivity. My dad said he always knew because that was something I did.

12. Talking a lot.

13. Weight loss or in some cases weight gain.

This is just a few things that I picked up on being an addict at one point in my life and everyone has different symptoms when using. Hope this helps those of you trying to figure out if their child or friend is on opiates.

-loulou

New project

My wonderful friend Amy asked me to take a look at these articles and give my feedback. She doesn’t know how amazing she is for continuing to challenge me, she shared with me that she shared my story and it touched more then one even gave hope to a certain set back, but I am so grateful that people got it and I related with them which gives that hope. Which I needed, because I was asked for advice and I feel like I failed the mother.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/01/31/heroin-epidemic-plagues-ny-suburbs/5096813/

All I can sadly say about this is, please continue to crack down but opiates have such an affect its unreal no matter how many drugs you take off the streets there will always be more, yes they see their friends dying…yes it could be the last time they inject…but the real truth is it doesn’t matter as long as they’re getting high. The drug consumes you, if you look up the stats on people getting away from this drug, they’re bleak…these addicts need to hear you can get through this if YOU want it, telling them over and over again how they’ll basically die and there’s no other option is only pushing addicts down. A lot of people use to be numb, and even if you don’t I’ve only ever seen numbness come out of it. I was, I was done, I gave up. I have seen and know addicts who have been trying to get clean for literally over a decade, but they have strong will power and I have SO much faith they are going to win their battle. You also have to remember this is a two thing ordeal…your addicted to the drug AND the needle…I know people who have shot up straight water. These heroin addicts struggling NEED hope, your loved one is still in that body, just one day at a time…and give them hope. My dad said to me yesterday that he thinks back to why didn’t I come to him? And I told him I was ashamed, he said he didn’t raise me that way, and I told him it didn’t matter that’s how the drugs made me feel so I felt I had no way out but to die…like so many others but I lived. That’s what we, me included need to figure out, how to let the ones struggling know you don’t have to be ashamed, you don’t have to die, and you can come out on top too. That its ok you need help, you can’t do it alone, that it doesn’t make you weak, your ready to fight.

https://www.drugfree.org/join-together/drugs/heroin-use-increasingly-seen-in-suburbs-across-the-country

Again like I stated above. Also, a friend told me that when he decided to start shooting up he went to the health clinic and let them know, they proceeded to tell him how to do it safely and how to protect himself from HIV and Hep. I thought this was interesting, because when I went to the health clinic they didn’t tell me anything about how to protect yourself…if someone wants to use, they’re gonna use, old dirty needle and all. I know in Atlanta there are a couple of places that hand out brand new syringes…you may not agree with this but like I said nothing is going to stop someone who is dead set on getting high. I heard you can go to Publix and they’ll take your old dirty needles properly dispose of them and give you a brand new one…I don’t know if that’s even true I never tried but when I was using I was told that more then once. I also saw a program that there is this place in Canada where they supply you with clean water, clean cotton, clean dish to cook it in, and also a clean syringe..you come do your dope, they throw everything away properly, and sanitize for the next person. I’m sure many people think that is all very taboo, and by no means do I encourage anyone to use but these places know that you can’t stop everyone and they are making it as clean and non harmful, maybe deadly as they possibly can. They know people are going to get high so they’ve made sharing needles, dirty needles, cotton fever, spreading of HIV, Hep , and disposing of a dirty needle improperly percentages go down as well. I have constant reminders that I was an IV user on my hand I have little black dots from me using an old syringe and it got clogged so I heated the tip and it left a mark. A constant reminder of how disgusting and the damaging lengths I’d go if I didn’t have a new syringe. Until addicts are ready to fight, maybe as taboo as all this is to people…there should be more places that educate you on what your about to do to your body and places to get clean items and disposals properly, Atlanta’s streets are filled with empty dope bags and dirty needles left where a child could pick it up and contract HIV, hep, or who knows what else. It’s happened more then once.

Again these are my own opinions, I’m not asking anyone to side with me, think for yourself. I was asked what I could make of these articles.

-loulou

Support

A huge reason I’ve managed to stay clean for this long is the support I have behind me. You know a lot of friends came and saw me in the hospital, even stayed the night, brought gifts and tons of visitors on Halloween because everyone knows what that holiday means to me. I have not been appreciating the people who took the time out of their day to come see me. Or for the ones who stayed the night when my nurse treated them like shit. Or the ones battling their own illnesses, and still made the drive to check on me. Most of us don’t speak anymore, and that’s okay. I have never really thought about what it was like on anyone else’s end other than my own. But I have had time to grow now and see things more clearly. I’m sorry that it has taken me so long. I can’t imagine getting a phone call that your loved one however, you thought about me has shot their selves. And you didn’t know how it was going to turn out. I said that I refused to apologize for what I did and I couldn’t understand why anyone was angry. I am truly sorry for feeling that way, you had every right to be angry with me. And for that I am saying sorry. I am blessed by God, not science to be able to write this today. I’m also beyond blessed that any of you even visited at all. I tried to kill myself, leave my friends and family members and very very best friends behind to hurt and not understand and have that ache. I’m sorry that I tried to leave all of you. And I am so damn sorry for the disgusting way I have acted. I understand fully why so many ties had to be cut. I can blame the injury but at the end of the day when I have had almost 3 years to reflect all of this is being said too late. I have god guiding me in such an amazing way. I strive to improve myself on a daily basis. I don’t want forgiveness. I want all of you to recognize that I appreciate all the gas and gifts that weren’t necessary and love and sleeping in shitty chairs and I want those of you who I said I would not apologize to and that you had no right to be mad. You did and you do. I just don’t think except for my parents I don’t think that you know how bad it was and I just wanted it all to stop and I was too ashamed to ask for help. And I didn’t think that I could go to anyone not even someone who was a sister, because I was out of your life and I didn’t realize and I know that I hurt you, and I wish that I knew that I could have come to you. I’m so sorry that I checked out and I’m so blessed to have people like all of you who came to see me. I would have never made it this far without a single one of you. ♡♡♡ Family without a doubt was there and still are. There are friends that stand out and by friend I mean the people who were there not only at rock bottom but when I got back up on my feet….but a lot of you if not most of you have and had every reason to quit and give up. I was not the easiest and I have not been so easy lately. Elis parents,  his sister and best friend Bridget brought me things of comfort and maddy continued to stop by a couple of times. Then even though my best friend since second grade knew I was alright she drove up all the way from Savannah where she lives because she wanted to see for herself. My friends Steven and Tyler always entertained me with their visits. My ex Joel and his wonderful momma came. And my good loyal friend Morgan asked every day even though I didn’t want her to come up there and we’ve discussed this since and all is well. I didnt want her to see me with no hair.Also I woke up to an old friend John g never in a million years did I expect that. Also just because they didn’t come they’ve been a huge part of life today is my very best friend Robyn and long time friend Rob. And of course my significant other cyle.

-loulou

Cloud 9

I think it took about the fifth time hearing you need to continue to share your story no matter what…I finally decided ok what could it hurt? I am in disbelief of how often people are wanting to pass it along to someone else…just all kinds of things. Originally it was just written for a childhood friend to share with her patients in Fl, also still intended for that, then I passed it along to my personal group to just get some feedback, well now my best friend has decided to print it off and take it up to the suboxone clinic so they can read it and possibly get something out of it, my little sister who is a doll is going to come down and share it for me at a meeting, because I will faint if I have to speak in front of others. So that’s Fl, Ga, Tn., one of the EMT’s who was also part of the reason I’m here today asked if he could share my story with addicts they get called into like overdoses and other things I’m not quite sure, he just said they deal with addicts pretty much on the regular and he thinks they would benefit the most. So then I decided I was going to write a book because there’s so much more people can learn and it’ll be so honest you can’t deny how huge opiate addiction is. So my childhood friend said suggested a blog so I’d get used to writing everyday. That’s when I decided I don’t care here it is, because my biggest goal is to impact someone’s life, save a life. I believe it can be done and I will die trying. Since I put it on Facebook I’ve had such wow moments that I’m literally speechless at the things people say to me, people have even shared it for others to read. It even had an impact in Ohio. So we have Fl, Ga, Tn, Ohio. It’s so crazy but I’ve said time and time again I’m still trying to find that purpose that I was saved because I had unfinished business on earth…I have finally figured it out. And God has placed me on this crazy ironic path and put these amazing people who also have so much to do with it. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my story, share it, be a part of it. Something much bigger is coming though and I know I will accomplish my ultimate goal. I am so beyond blessed for words. I know without a doubt too, my Uncle Dan is so proud of me and looking down from heaven.

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
The rains fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of his hand

-Lindsey Lou

My story battling addiction

Amy is a childhood friend of mine and her blog on addiction hit so close to home, a little too close….so I had to message her and let her know what an amazing article it was and then I told her my story and told her if she ever wanted to share my story to try and help someone then please, I want to know I fought for at least one life besides mine. I asked Amy to please give me some direction. So a little background, I shall remain nameless, I never moved from the house I currently reside in, my family is what you would call a text book family, I was not abused or neglected and I was actually an extremely straight laced girl until high school. I went wild, I tried smoking weed, ecstasy, meth, coke, pills of all kinds, but I always said I would never touch heroin. Wrong. I am now an addict in recovery started with pills (dilauded, roxy’s, OC’s) to a gram of heroin to myself every day. The first time I tried it I was eighteen.

My boyfriend of five years did it every day and he never died. Curiosity won. So one day he said, “Hey baby, why don’t you come do the rest of this line? I might OD if I do it all.” Simple as that I agreed it was small amount not even an inch of dope to snort. But I was a virgin so it was plenty. I would never go downtown with them to get it, I was too scared of Atlanta and I swore I would never use a needle that, that was disgusting. Wrong again. So me, my boyfriend, and two friends kept this up for two years. Me putting it up my nose, the three of them full blown IV users. Until the day my boyfriend was texting me while high driving and got in a wreck that essentially cost him his life. He is still alive, this year on November 28, 2014 will be seven years since, he can’t walk, he was twenty years old when it happened, he will be turning 27 this year, he has to wear a diaper, he will probably need someone to care for him the rest of his life, but he’s clean and doesn’t remember the not so nice person he once was. The day I lost him, my best friend, I stopped, life stopped, I didn’t have time to use I was at the hospital every day waiting for him to wake up and not die. Slowly I picked “life” back up.

My addiction grabbed the most serious grip on me. I started dating this “bad boy” who I would love to blame for ruining my life, but you’re responsible for you at the end of the day. We got right into pills roxy’s, dialuded, and OC’s in the very beginning. I was still snorting, he insisted on using a needle, even sharing them. I still swore I wouldn’t. The day I got hooked and knew my addiction was much bigger than me, was the day I let him convince me to allow him to shoot me up in my ankle, just a quarter piece of a roxy 30. At that moment, I’ve never experienced such a strong euphoria. Once you use a needle, there is no once, you will continue to use a needle. ALWAYS. This went on for a year we would try to stop but never could. We’d swear oh this is the last time. We decided to go to the methadone clinic stayed there for six months and decided no more, cold turkey. Methadone withdrawals are worse than withdrawals from dope. He went to jail and got to detox there, I was left on my own to detox. Being left alone addicted to Satan himself would be an emerging pattern.  He got out of jail, we relapsed yet again, he was abusive, he manipulated me into pawning very precious items of mine, we committed crimes for money, but as long as I got my next fix none of that mattered. He hit me, verbally abused me, he was a serial cheater, but by the time it was this nightmare all I could think was, “is this the day he is going to kill me or will the drugs take me?” We were doing heroin, my cousin had a heroin problem so I got in good with his dealer. I put myself in bad situations, I was robbed at gunpoint. My family had no idea who the hell I was, but still they stood by my side…they knew I had to choose to get better, they couldn’t choose for me. I OD’ed my dad found me, I was already blue, my lovely boyfriend said “don’t call 911, she’ll be fine.” The EMT’s had to bring me back and I was far from fine. Still no wake up call, no light bulb going off in my head…OD’ed two more times, the time my mom found me I was out on bond so she revoked my bond, because I refused to go to rehab. As soon as I was released from the hospital, I was arrested right there in the parking lot and went to jail for a week.

My boyfriend was also in jail in a different county so I used as soon as I could get my grimy hands on some dope, after they released me from jail. He was already on probation so he got to spend the remainder of his sentence in a half way house, and once again I was on my own. I was up to a gram a day to me, myself, and I, while he was in sober living learning the steps. My mom moved in with my aunt, because she just couldn’t take being around me and I do not blame her. My addiction had me, I was not myself….I was lost. It was just me in my dad living together. I hit rock bottom I was too ashamed to ask for help such as detox then in patient rehab. So I did what I knew would make it stop. I wanted silence. No more using, no more lying, no more of the cycle. I just wanted it to stop SO bad. I took my dad’s spare key to the gun cabinet, unlocked it. Picked up what turned to be a .22 caliber rifle, found the correct bullet that went in it, loaded my VERY first gun, took off the safety, stood in the mirror and pulled a trigger for the VERY first time in my life, right into the right side of my head. I felt no pain my nightmare was over. I touched my shoulder because I could feel it was wet and I had blood on my fingers and all that really stands out and I will never forget, was the sound of my daddy screaming.

Then my real recovery began. I woke up in the hospital in more pain then I can ever describe, hooked up to a pain pump that would pump dialuded into my system every eight minutes….wait? What? You guys are giving a girl with an opiate addiction dialuded? I did not know this until sometime later, but my neurosurgeon had made a promise to my parents that I would no longer want to use heroin by the time I was able to go home. In his fourteen years of practice he’s only seen two people survive a direct shot to the head, me and a twelve year old little girl, no one else made it off the table. He says that I shouldn’t even be here and that I’m a miracle, even if two more minutes had past when I arrived at the hospital I would’ve been dead without a doubt. I had to fight like hell, I now and still have a brain injury. I had to relearn how to swallow, for three entire weeks I had no use of the left side of my body, and there was no way to tell if it’d return. Then all the prayers that had been said were answered, my arm and hand on my left side slowly started working and my left foot took its first step forward. I’ve never smiled so big, my fight wasn’t over yet I had to get my balance right and had to relearn to dress myself and I had to get some strength back in the left side of my body.

The whole time I was being administered dilauded through an IV, I did NOT get hooked; I did NOT want to get high. All those feelings had diminished. It’s been over two years now since all of this and I haven’t relapsed. I still have a brain injury and bullet fragments that were too dangerous to remove I had one-third of my temporal lobe cut completely out, a skull plate that’s made from plastic where there used to be bone, but I’m alive and glad I am and that awful nightmare is a tough lesson. My neurosurgeon, who I owe my life and upmost gratitude, said it takes the brain two years before the “want” for dope leaves your brain. I’m past two years but that doesn’t mean I go near that garbage. I’ve lost a lot of friends, but that’s ok, I also gained a lot of amazing people and my family never gave up nor my doctors, or therapists, nurses.

The most important thing I have to stress and address is do NOT do something this drastic, I was beyond blessed and I still have a purpose one of which I’m still trying to figure out. Seriously, though cut out all your dealers, and user friends (they aren’t real friends anyway), change your number I did, none of those people will be any good for your recovery. Do not let anyone tell you shit having to do with statistics. That stuff is for the birds. Here are statistics for people who sustain a direct shot to the head only 2% survive, people who actually live to see the day they quit doing heroin 5 to 10% get out. I managed to surpass both of those. If you do NOT want to be a statistic then don’t. Statistics do NOT nor will ever dictate how you will change and start your recovery. I’m not going to lie and say I worked the 12-step program; it’s simply not for me. I’ve managed to not relapse because I have such an amazing support system, and I cut all those ties, that was HUGE in helping me move forward.

You can think, “Oh, I’m strong enough to be around someone who is high on pain killers.” Wrong you’re not. Trust me my boyfriend now who is so supportive and encouraging had a cousin who orally took pain killers and I had to say no if he’s high we are leaving because it makes me want some. And even though that’s his own blood relative he said ok. If you’re ever in that type of the situation and the person you happen to be with actually cares about you not relapsing, then they will respect your feelings and leave with you, but if they choose to stay, leave them it’s not worth a relapse. Better yet try your best to avoid situations like that altogether. Find out, and get help from a professional on what the best type of treatment is for you. Just because 12 steps aren’t for me it is for a lot of people. I’m telling you my story based on my experience and I am not a professional. If you have a recovery plan already don’t change, professionals know best.

Also, don’t ever think you can’t die from doing it one “last” time, currently where I live in Georgia we are losing at least one person every two to three weeks if not more. Not an exaggeration, it is an epidemic. Please believe in yourself, because everyone is capable of recovering if you want to fight for it, because you can’t be cured. I know I’m still an addict and always will be, but I’m in recovery. I’d like to take a brief moment to give a HUGE thank you to my friend from grade school Amy for allowing me to share my story and hopefully save someone’s life or help someone who’s struggling within their own recovery. And to just take it one day at a time, because that has been the best advice ever given to me.