‘one last time’

I have heard the words one last time….One too many. I myself have said that it was seriously going to be the last time. I also believed myself when I said those words. Unfortunately, the words one last time have snuffed out another life…I wish that the reality of the situation would make people think and wake up. That is wishful thinking. I did dope long enough to know that people don’t think it will happen to them and that everyone says one last time at least a hundred times. I said one last time and ended up on the other side of a loaded .22 caliber rifle. I keep seeing the same pattern. Rehab or jail….yet these people who are supposedly clean are just putting up a front. I either hear guess who’s in jail or guess who overdosed or guess who’s back in rehab. People really really really need to realize that you can not just have your one last time. It might be your last time…and if it is you will find your peace. I think what so many people don’t realize is that you are at peace….but you leave family, friends, children, and significant others behind to pick up the pieces…and leave them with maybe a tiny bit of peace knowing that you are in a better place…but really they don’t feel peace they feel mostly heartache.  Please please please stop saying one last time. Too many lives have already been lost. All so young. The biggest thing I see is people do NOT listen to the fact that you literally have to drop all the dead weight, people say oh but their my boys or my girls or whatever. They are DEAD weight, and they will only hold you down.How can you say someone is your boy or your girl when they don’t RESPECT you enough to not be high in front of you when you decide to turn your life around…that’s what you call friends? This is not bullshit, it takes an ENTIRE 2 years for your brain to stop telling the body it wants heroin. All of you who think taking pain pills are okay, because it isn’t heroin or because it was prescribed. Wrong. If you find yourself in that situation, you need to own your addiction and let the doctor know that you have a problem with opiates….don’t let your addiction own you. Come on fight the fight, I promise it is worth it. Stop the it’s only ‘one last time’.

 

 

-loulou

Addicts in relationships together

For the first time in a long long time, I am in a serious relationship with someone who is not an addict, not even an alcoholic. For me this is huge.  I hate to be Debbie downer but from my experience, I have yet to see two addicts be in a healthy functioning relationship. It may be okay and work without relapse for a little while, but eventually, there is relapse. Every single couple I have been around that are addicts and most of the time that’s how they met…Never get clean. And then there are the relationships, I have witnessed that they didn’t start using together, but both were addicts and eventually at some point in the relationship they started to use together.  I personally think that two addicts in a relationship together is extremely toxic and if you want to get clean. Stay away from this type of thing.

-loulou

Learning to relove yourself

“Loving yourself is about building a relationship with yourself. A new, more supportive relationship. And like any relationship, forging that strong, deep bond takes time.
How you define, experience and express love for yourself is different to me, or any one else. It is an intimate relationship between you and you. It encompasses the self talk that you engage in, the words you use to describe yourself, the feelings you hold within you and what you believe to be true about you.

I feel the term self love carries a lot of weight these days. For many of us the pursuit of self love can place a tremendous pressure on us to always be whole-heartedly and unconditionally kind and loving to ourselves at all times. This means that the minute that old negative voice creeps in, your mind starts to race with crazy thoughts or you find yourself criticising rather than loving yourself, you feel like a failure.

Self love has become some destination we strive to arrive at and in the process we actually end up beating up on ourselves even more for failing to reach it.”
— Connie Chapman

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I have learned to love me and not regret my past and yes it took some time and it still takes time. And learning that most people and I mean practically everyone will not be giving you a second chance is something that you are going to have to get used to and let people talk. They chose not to be apart of your new life, you know the truth and the people who did take that leap of faith know the truth and that is all that matters, but most importantly you have to learn to forgive yourself and to love who you fought to be. Even if you only have one day clean, it’s still a day.  ♡♡♡

— loulou

opiate addicts secrets

Being that I was a junkie, an IV user J. I have learned many secrets that opiate addicts have figured out to pass as normal, when they are higher than a kite.

1. Opiate users whether it be pills or dope normally have pin point pupils.

2. IV users, if tattooed..more than likely will shoot up into the tattoo so you can’t see the track mark.

3. The addict will have more and more personal items disappear and you might notice things missing.

4. Sunglasses, even when you don’t need them. The person always seems to have an excuse to why. They want to hide their pinpoint pupils.

5. Never having money. Always asking to borrow oh I don’t have any gas…I need this. Oh I need that.

6. IV users or addicts who snort the drug, spend a lot of time in the bathroom. And always have an excuse for that as well.

7. Opiate addicts experiencing withdrawal will isolate themselves to their bedroom most of the time until they can figure out how to get money to get high. This could last for 1 to 2 days. It takes 72 hours to get through withdrawals, but most addicts never make it that far.i never did and don’t know anyone who has.

8. Super friendly. More than usual.

9. The classic dope voice.  When someone is high, there is a noticeable change in their voice.

10. Nodding out. Whether it be for a second or ten minutes, standing or sitting. When you ask the normal response is usually I’m just really tired.

11. Some opiate addicts experience hyperactivity. My dad said he always knew because that was something I did.

12. Talking a lot.

13. Weight loss or in some cases weight gain.

This is just a few things that I picked up on being an addict at one point in my life and everyone has different symptoms when using. Hope this helps those of you trying to figure out if their child or friend is on opiates.

-loulou

thoughts

Have you ever really thought about how easy it is to put on your black look your best and go watch someone be put in the ground..The hard part is being a friend to them in the first place.  Those of you who want an apology aren’t going to get one I’m not sorry for what I did and I’d do it again. I have already accomplished my goal of making a difference in lives. Sorry those of you who want and can’t get over the fact that you think I was selfish I’m sorry that’s not on me. No one spoke up no one tried to intervene. So I personally think you have no right to feel that way. I take full responsibility for my actions and I blame no one but myself. I have turned my life around and I am a better me then I have ever been. Take it or leave it.  If you are going to come at me negatively. Then stay the hell away, positive vibes only for this chick. Love the ones who were there and stayed.

 

~loulou

New project

My wonderful friend Amy asked me to take a look at these articles and give my feedback. She doesn’t know how amazing she is for continuing to challenge me, she shared with me that she shared my story and it touched more then one even gave hope to a certain set back, but I am so grateful that people got it and I related with them which gives that hope. Which I needed, because I was asked for advice and I feel like I failed the mother.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/01/31/heroin-epidemic-plagues-ny-suburbs/5096813/

All I can sadly say about this is, please continue to crack down but opiates have such an affect its unreal no matter how many drugs you take off the streets there will always be more, yes they see their friends dying…yes it could be the last time they inject…but the real truth is it doesn’t matter as long as they’re getting high. The drug consumes you, if you look up the stats on people getting away from this drug, they’re bleak…these addicts need to hear you can get through this if YOU want it, telling them over and over again how they’ll basically die and there’s no other option is only pushing addicts down. A lot of people use to be numb, and even if you don’t I’ve only ever seen numbness come out of it. I was, I was done, I gave up. I have seen and know addicts who have been trying to get clean for literally over a decade, but they have strong will power and I have SO much faith they are going to win their battle. You also have to remember this is a two thing ordeal…your addicted to the drug AND the needle…I know people who have shot up straight water. These heroin addicts struggling NEED hope, your loved one is still in that body, just one day at a time…and give them hope. My dad said to me yesterday that he thinks back to why didn’t I come to him? And I told him I was ashamed, he said he didn’t raise me that way, and I told him it didn’t matter that’s how the drugs made me feel so I felt I had no way out but to die…like so many others but I lived. That’s what we, me included need to figure out, how to let the ones struggling know you don’t have to be ashamed, you don’t have to die, and you can come out on top too. That its ok you need help, you can’t do it alone, that it doesn’t make you weak, your ready to fight.

https://www.drugfree.org/join-together/drugs/heroin-use-increasingly-seen-in-suburbs-across-the-country

Again like I stated above. Also, a friend told me that when he decided to start shooting up he went to the health clinic and let them know, they proceeded to tell him how to do it safely and how to protect himself from HIV and Hep. I thought this was interesting, because when I went to the health clinic they didn’t tell me anything about how to protect yourself…if someone wants to use, they’re gonna use, old dirty needle and all. I know in Atlanta there are a couple of places that hand out brand new syringes…you may not agree with this but like I said nothing is going to stop someone who is dead set on getting high. I heard you can go to Publix and they’ll take your old dirty needles properly dispose of them and give you a brand new one…I don’t know if that’s even true I never tried but when I was using I was told that more then once. I also saw a program that there is this place in Canada where they supply you with clean water, clean cotton, clean dish to cook it in, and also a clean syringe..you come do your dope, they throw everything away properly, and sanitize for the next person. I’m sure many people think that is all very taboo, and by no means do I encourage anyone to use but these places know that you can’t stop everyone and they are making it as clean and non harmful, maybe deadly as they possibly can. They know people are going to get high so they’ve made sharing needles, dirty needles, cotton fever, spreading of HIV, Hep , and disposing of a dirty needle improperly percentages go down as well. I have constant reminders that I was an IV user on my hand I have little black dots from me using an old syringe and it got clogged so I heated the tip and it left a mark. A constant reminder of how disgusting and the damaging lengths I’d go if I didn’t have a new syringe. Until addicts are ready to fight, maybe as taboo as all this is to people…there should be more places that educate you on what your about to do to your body and places to get clean items and disposals properly, Atlanta’s streets are filled with empty dope bags and dirty needles left where a child could pick it up and contract HIV, hep, or who knows what else. It’s happened more then once.

Again these are my own opinions, I’m not asking anyone to side with me, think for yourself. I was asked what I could make of these articles.

-loulou

Support

A huge reason I’ve managed to stay clean for this long is the support I have behind me. You know a lot of friends came and saw me in the hospital, even stayed the night, brought gifts and tons of visitors on Halloween because everyone knows what that holiday means to me. I have not been appreciating the people who took the time out of their day to come see me. Or for the ones who stayed the night when my nurse treated them like shit. Or the ones battling their own illnesses, and still made the drive to check on me. Most of us don’t speak anymore, and that’s okay. I have never really thought about what it was like on anyone else’s end other than my own. But I have had time to grow now and see things more clearly. I’m sorry that it has taken me so long. I can’t imagine getting a phone call that your loved one however, you thought about me has shot their selves. And you didn’t know how it was going to turn out. I said that I refused to apologize for what I did and I couldn’t understand why anyone was angry. I am truly sorry for feeling that way, you had every right to be angry with me. And for that I am saying sorry. I am blessed by God, not science to be able to write this today. I’m also beyond blessed that any of you even visited at all. I tried to kill myself, leave my friends and family members and very very best friends behind to hurt and not understand and have that ache. I’m sorry that I tried to leave all of you. And I am so damn sorry for the disgusting way I have acted. I understand fully why so many ties had to be cut. I can blame the injury but at the end of the day when I have had almost 3 years to reflect all of this is being said too late. I have god guiding me in such an amazing way. I strive to improve myself on a daily basis. I don’t want forgiveness. I want all of you to recognize that I appreciate all the gas and gifts that weren’t necessary and love and sleeping in shitty chairs and I want those of you who I said I would not apologize to and that you had no right to be mad. You did and you do. I just don’t think except for my parents I don’t think that you know how bad it was and I just wanted it all to stop and I was too ashamed to ask for help. And I didn’t think that I could go to anyone not even someone who was a sister, because I was out of your life and I didn’t realize and I know that I hurt you, and I wish that I knew that I could have come to you. I’m so sorry that I checked out and I’m so blessed to have people like all of you who came to see me. I would have never made it this far without a single one of you. ♡♡♡ Family without a doubt was there and still are. There are friends that stand out and by friend I mean the people who were there not only at rock bottom but when I got back up on my feet….but a lot of you if not most of you have and had every reason to quit and give up. I was not the easiest and I have not been so easy lately. Elis parents,  his sister and best friend Bridget brought me things of comfort and maddy continued to stop by a couple of times. Then even though my best friend since second grade knew I was alright she drove up all the way from Savannah where she lives because she wanted to see for herself. My friends Steven and Tyler always entertained me with their visits. My ex Joel and his wonderful momma came. And my good loyal friend Morgan asked every day even though I didn’t want her to come up there and we’ve discussed this since and all is well. I didnt want her to see me with no hair.Also I woke up to an old friend John g never in a million years did I expect that. Also just because they didn’t come they’ve been a huge part of life today is my very best friend Robyn and long time friend Rob. And of course my significant other cyle.

-loulou