When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy.”- dalai lama
I have finally learned this
I went back over a lot of my old posts, and I’m rather angry and still very bitter in them. I also stated in my very first post that I can’t blame anyone but myself and then I go on to blame my ex and situations, my intentions were good when I originally wrote it…but no matter what I could have chose to walk away at any point in time and I didn’t. I was also rather combative in other post about things that appear to have happened that day with old friends, once again a lot of that has to do with the tbi and the healing process but I don’t ever really care to use that as an excuse. I wanted to post an update even though I feel like the one titled ‘Grey’ puts my current self in a better light so to speak. I have no problem admitting that it has taken me a good two years to get to the person I am today but all of the past has shaped me to get to this point past the way an addict thinks, acts, and feels and it feels incredible to break the mold and no longer feel all of the angst I did or the negativity I was actually putting out there but still in my mind I wasn’t being that unreasonable. I have left many hurt in my wake of when I was using, after I shot myself, after I left the hospital, and just the entire mess. And I am so sorry to all of you who I hurt and I know that I have personally told you guys individually but I’m saying it again. I make sure that each day I open my eyes to thank god for giving me another chance to live, because unfortunately so many people don’t get the same chance. Every day I strive to be better than the person I was the day before(now not only for myself but for my husband and our child). My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a loved one to this horrible disease and I hope that I can still continue to touch at least one person and continue my journey in such a positive way. God bless you all ❤
Now that we’re expecting our first child in November of this year, I have been thinking a lot about the logistics of when it’s appropriate for me to tell our child my story. So far I honestly do not have the answer or any type of inkling on the subject.
I have also been thinking about how much I’ve changed my entire life and perspective, and how I’m no longer the person I was when I was an addict…let me rephrase that I’ll always be an addict but I’m now in recovery and have been for some time. I wrote a while back on learning how to relove yourself, but I’ve learned to love myself and have such a deeper understanding of myself now, then I thought originally. I have completely rerouted my thinking and I take the time to understand what is about to come out of my mouth. I am no longer the negative angry liar I was when I was using or even the angry psycho I was at the beginning of this journey of recovery. I am living proof that you can overcome a horrible addiction and that addicts can change. I no longer hesitate when doctors ask why I have a Tbi (traumatic brain injury) I’m not ashamed, I’m quite proud of who I’ve become. For example, I had my first visit with the perinatal ob yesterday (5/20/15) and she asked me why I have had seizures in the past. I told her that it’s because I have a tbi and she asked how it occurred. I told her that I had a gsw to the head. She then asked me how that happened, and I responded with “I was very bad on drugs and I tried to kill myself.” She told me that she was sorry and I quickly smiled and said, “don’t be, I have been clean for almost 4 years now, I have come a very long way in a positive way, and it’s made me who I am today. I am only stronger because of it.” I’m no longer ashamed of who I was in the past and if I am judged by it, I simply do not care. That’s not who I am TODAY, in this MOMENT. I worry how I will tell our child, but I’m sure that I’ll know the right time. I recently had an old friend of many years say…”Everything you have experienced to this day brings a smile to my face – knowing that you have done the best anyone could have for yourself! Keep loving being you!” I am never going to stop growing as a person. I am never going to stop being so ridiculously proud of myself. I am never going to stop telling my story. I know that I will make Grey proud in the end. I have such a full heart these days and every morning I wake up I make sure to thank God for giving me a second chance at life and for our little miracle. God bless you all.
There’s a huge ugly mean cloud above any addicts head…whether you are still using or you are in recovery and have been for some time. None of that matters..lately it seems like the best idea is to eliminate every addict from the population, because addiction was the choice we chose for ourselves and people have seem to have forgotten that buried beneath the drugs is someone who they once cared for and loved. That the good hearted person is still there but sick. No one decides oh I’m going to grow up and be a junkie. Yes the choice to do the drug the 1st time is ours but I can guarantee that none of us expected the hell on earth that comes after the first choice. But I am seeing a lot of….because of their drug problem when addicts die there’s no respect because it’s another dead junkie…which seems to be a good thing.
So why don’t people treat those who get lung cancer because they made the CHOICE to smoke cigarettes and it ends up killing them the same way? It was a choice they made…right? Or what about the people who served and come back with ptsd and commit suicide…defending our country was once again their CHOICE and they knew what they were signing up for….along with many other examples. My question is why are junkies treated so different when their addiction kills them. The elimination of human beings whether you are an addict, gay, purple, male, female….when you go people need to let you go in peace. They are all human beings along with being a child to someone or a parent or a sibling or a loved one. If you have not been in the situation then you should be so proud of not making that ugly decision to try drugs that destroy you. But you need to remember that we are all human beings and deserve respect and especially those who have passed away let them have peace.
And it’s not that I’m so unhappy I don’t want to live any more. That’s not what it feels like. It feels more like I’m tired and bored and the party’s gone on too long and I want to go home.
Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free
….3 years ago on October 14, 2011 if I had arrived at the ER even 1 minute later then what I did….I would not be here typing this today. I would be 6 feet under….I am so thankful and beyond blessed with words and emotions to those of you who helped me get this day and my life back. I shot myself 3 years ago today and that was also the last time I used. I thank each and every single one of you who came and saw me or maybe you just said a simple prayer. I wouldn’t be at the top of my game and god wouldn’t have given me a second chance at life. I love all of you…even the ones who are no longer around.
I’m forever grateful for being so very blessed.
❤ ❤ ❤ 😙
I completely understand how it is to check out of your body and heroin and that needle are the only things that you think you need. You’re numb. I checked out of my body for so long that I shot myself, to check back in. I am asking and pleading and praying that those of you who are walking around out there like zombies. To please crawl back into your bodies before it’s too late. It’s better to fight. It is the hardest thing that you will ever do but fucking fight. Especially those who have babies. Those babies need you to live for them. Heroin is not allowing people to see the age of 25 and even younger then that. Death is NOT normal, like we have all become so accustomed to. Death is normal yes it’s inevitable. But the amount of death from one place alone is not. And everyone needs to wake up and realize that. People are fading and fast. It doesn’t matter how many of their friends die. They’ll continue to use. It doesn’t matter if you throw them in rehab, they’ll continue to use after. They have to make the most important decision of their lives and want to fight. So once again I plead that you crawl back into your body and start fighting. All this death has got to end. Although, I also unfortunately understand for some of you….you’ve checked out your not coming back. And we will lose more to heroin. Those of you who haven’t decided that it is going to be the death of you turn it around and fight. When you die, you find your peace. But those who love you. Your friends and family members they will always miss you.